At least that is how it feels right now. 2009 was an extremely hard year for me. You all know that I lost my pop in January. That I could have lost my mom to because of a stupid ass family member that drugged her with Cocaine. Her doctor told her that she was lucky to be alive with as much as she had in her system. Things haven’t been the same since pop died.
Then my sister leaves Kieth and moves her, her boyfriend, and their 4 kids in. Robert and I struggle to take care of everyone letting our responsibilities fall behind. So come August when we literally can’t do it anymore with out killing ourselves we ask them to move out. By this point it is to late we have maxed out all our credit cards, including the ones we had just paid off with our taxes at the beginning of the year. Which put us in far worse debt than we could have ever imagined. Clawing our way out of it might not even work at this point.
Then there is my mom. Whom I love to death and have tried to do what ever I could to help her this past year. Whether monetary or emotionally. Especially after she dulled out $16,000 to help my sister. She helped us as well and as promised she is getting her $3000 back as soon as we file our taxes. Losing pop has changed her. I can’t imagine what it does to a person to lose someone they have spent half their life with. I am sure it would change anyone. Next to Robert my mom is my best friend. That has changed. We barley speak once a week now. It makes me sad.
Then there is Lexy. Whom I worry about so much. She has had a lot of loss and death in her short 8 years. Her dad leaves her as a baby, then dies 3 years later. Then Pop the only man she has really known as a father dies and leaves her. The grandfather she just met but loved just the same dies and leaves her. Those two where just this year. Then she moves down here with me, then back up to SC with my mom to find things are different and changed. All of this has got to take it’s toll on a child. I can only imagine the feelings of loss and abandonment she must be feeling. I don’t know how to help her. Goddess knows I want to. I want to just put my arms around her and tell her I love her so much and just take all the hurt and pain away. She is starting to act out and I am worried that it is because she has all these feelings inside that she doesn’t quit understand and she is just trying to express them. Lexy is only 8 and she has had to deal with some pretty grown up things this year. That worries me. I was forced to grow up faster than I should have I don’t want that for my daughter.
Then there is just everything else. Robert hates his job. He hates Al. He is very unhappy here and wants to move back to SC. I am not exactly thrilled with this place either. They have no culture, no ambition, and most are only out for themselves. That is not the type of person I want my son to grow up to be. I am not thrilled with what we have to do to get that. I am worried that with him taking a dramatic pay cut and how fucked up our credit is now we will never get a place to live. We will be stuck living with someone else forever. I don’t want that. I am terrified that if we are able to get an apartment that it will be in some run down piece of shit neighborhood with terrible school systems and that is not the kind of place I want to raise my kid. All I want is a place in a good area, with good schools, that isn’t to expensive, that I can raise my child in and feel okay about it. I don’t think that is to much to ask.
I really don’t know how much more of this life I can take to be honest with you. It has pushed and pushed and pushed. I have fought back time and time again. I just don’t feel like I have the strength to fight back anymore. I just really need something good to happen. We have been going down on this roller coaster for so long now. I need to see some upward motion and a long platform.
